| you make your life complicated |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|11:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
you're sick
latching on to those with passion in their eyes
because it's what you want,
but it's what you don't have
keep writing
I'm sure there will always be someone to believe you
but it won't be me
I used to feel sorry for you
but I have always been better without you
I used to think there was something to you
but your words boil down to the same dizzy nothingness
with no experience to back it up
only your want to be something more important
is written between the lines
So you think you're cool 'cause you're afraid to show?
People like you aren't "afraid"
you haven't felt the real passions in life
when you do, there is no "being afraid"
fuck it
fuck it all
you just feel
it's not a choice
it's not controlled
It's raw
you've never been raw
hiding behind tangled, twisted words
trying to be deep
you'll never be where I am
not even close
stop trying to act so unique
when you're just scared and inexperienced
like everyone else but those of us who've had no choice
I bet you don't even get this
go "write and contemplate" some more
and try to convince someone else you're special
just know that I know that you are classically plain |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2009|02:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
oh i know! last night was the dance bonfire thing and i brought luke cuz I love him and I want all my dance friends to be nice to him and stuff cuz i love him and i'm around them a lot and they are nice and dance-y and stuff and we ate cheeseburgers and meow meow
luke makes perfect s'mores... he reminds me of how obsessed I used to be lol its crazy how similar we are sometimes... but now i just let him be obsessed cuz its funny and it makes me happy... funny cuz when it gets messed up he's like "fuckk!" aha and i tried to do an impression last night and everyone thought i was just saying it actually lol
idk if this all makes sense cuz i'm drunk
but i just wanted to say that i had fun
and i'm happy lucas was finally supportive of me today when i was in pain and i had fun looking at the apartment cuz the lady was funny
anyway off to bed! |
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| drrrunksies |
[May. 9th, 2009|02:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
fucckkk so my program is canceled!
found out today
now i'm drrrunk
i went to the bars for all of 20 minutes lol... just to take care of my friend and take a shot and a half and down a long island real quick... man~! i'm drunk NOW lol AFTER the bar... and all i thought the whole time i was alone is how i miss my lucas and i just wanted the other guys to go away
i guess a couple of them looked out for me... it's good i know so many ppl
but fucking creepers! seriously! wtf
now i'm drunk and for some reason i took off my clothes...
maybe because it's raining and i'm all wet
man i was just getting excited about mexico, but honestly i had mixed feelings cuz i wanted more time available next year and idk maybe now if i take more classes, other than just the 2 i was supposed to take, over the summer then i can free up more time... and maybe i'll work more idk?
and wtf about apartments... god damn i want my own space
i feel so trapped up in here sometimes in this little room! and idk its a nice place and lovely location but its been two years, i'm older now and idk ppl are so fucking messy in the kitchen and living room... idk what to do... we'll see...
anything else? idk i'm so distracted... fuck ... g2 do spanish paper... cant watchh movie... pouring rain...
idk i love my new meeeearrrings that luke bought me! they are perfect and go with so much!
so distrrrracted... umm....
last night was hot ;)
lol umm
whhatever i can't remember if i was gonna write anything else and now i'm dizzy ... i love the sound of the rain when i'm calm... i'll just wrap myself up and get all cozy hurrray and hopefully get some good sleep and get a LOT done tomorrow!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2009|12:55 am] |
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at least I was well enough to attend dinner... |
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| blah |
[May. 7th, 2009|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
I have THE worst cramps for having taken medicine already
I always forget and this time I actually remembered and they STILL suck!
I feel awful
I'm at the library right now... I'm in so much pain, it's hard to concentrate
I can barely stand up and I'm super sensitive... in all ways
and my bf is making me feel so stupid... doesn't even take a stab at what could be going on...
he knows that I haven't been feeling well anyway... that should be enough
I went home and had to take more meds, put on an icy hot patch... make sure I had my girly stuff with me... as well as gather all my books and stuff up and a monster
it really did NOT take that long to do all that
but wtf he acted like i took SO long
umm hello if I didn't do all that I'd be screwed right now
and I still feel screwed... if he had just been nice I wouldn't feel so fucking shitty right now
I can't stop thinking about how stupid he made me feel when I left my room... when I was fairly proud of myself for getting all that stuff done rather quickly... uggghh
and if he had just been supportive ... wtf does he think I'm doing? That I just randomly wouldn't hurry when it's not to my advantage at all??!! how much of a ditz does he think I am?
God he makes me feel so dumb!!
and yet I think he's not completely opening his fucking mind up to fucking think "hmm she probably is just taking care of something" ... or he could have asked if I were ok while I was in there... I couldn't even sit next to him anymore I felt so shitty
I didn't NOT want to be with him... it's just I need a hug from him and I need him to actually just tell me he'll understand or even just try to without giving me sass! how would I ever feel better if the sass is what made me so sad in the first place?
...
ugh I just want to get this Spanish stuff done!
but honestly I really could use a supportive hug from him... I feel like we are NOT on a good note since he hurt me, didn't express anything in words, just in sass... so I had to GUESS at why he was acting like that... then after I guess he's like "well I just don't get why you would say you want to get there fast and then go slow in your room" or something to that effect... which came out real bitchy and made me feel dumb... like HELLO... wtf so you just ASSUME I'm "going slow" but "can't" ASSUME anything else like maybe I was fucking trying to take care of myself so I could actually survive tonight and get stuff done!?!
and why would he suddenly mouth off... he could have given me a subtle clue WHILE I was in my room... like "hey honey! we better get there fast and find a seat before other crazy late-nighters go and take over" or SOMETHING that's not completely fucking offensive/bitchy sounding!
Ugh he is such a girl... just sighing and giving looks... making me guess at what's going on.
Then after all that ALL I fucking wanted was an "ohh ok well yeah I should probably assume you were takin meds or something, and that you did want to go fast and wouldn't just hold yourself up for no reason... I'll remember that in the future"
and then give me a hug, realize how much I'm fucking trying to make my brain and my body work right now and be fucking supportive!
instead I get all this sass and all this talk... blah blah blah... no support
fuck that
I'm so much more fucking tired than I was a couple hours ago... we got back at like 9... how the FUCK is it 1AM!?!
ooo if he knew how ANGRY I was right now and how stressed I get as the number of hours to work goes down and the number of hours I've been awake goes up ajksdfhjkafhka ughhh
and I TRY to tell him, but he's so fucking pissy I feel like if I interrupt him for all of 2 second he'll get all mad
well fuck him for not communicating in the first place |
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| wtf |
[May. 6th, 2009|02:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
wow, I decided latino guys suck... full blooded latino guys especially... TJ doesn't suck!
but seriously... maybe 90% of them... born in mexico, dominican republic, puerto rico... ugh
and the worst part is ... that they are OBSESSED with male comradery and therefore are fairly good at making many male friends AND are also good at acting like they are very respectful to women... open doors, buy drinks... they constantly play host... they tend to dress nicely and seem to go out of their way to make you smile
fuck it
fuck it all... after going to the dominican republic and hearing the things all the "men" had to say there, the way they act, the things the Dominican told me all semester (both to me directly and indirectly-repeating conversations with friends)
they think women should always be on the side
but they try to make the woman think she is everything
they always think of the woman as beneath them
unlike my other male friends, most have trouble seeing a female as "one of the guys"
most tend to hit on their (especially white) friends' girlfriends ... but ya know, I'm sure the white guys don't notice or think it's nothing to worry about because the Latino has tried so hard to secure that male bond... thinking "oh it's just pedro/luis/jorge!" as the Latino constantly touches inappropriately, winks, and over compliments...
they are the kind of guys that will do this, let their drunk buddy go home, say they'll take care of their girl... try to hook up with her, then tell their buddy later LOTS of bad stuff about her
but of course they wouldn't go in for the hookup the night they meet the gf, nooo... not a Latino... they have to casually flirt, then build it up, then make it feel romantic, then BAM
they also love to trash talk powerful women
they ALWAYS have something to say... ask way too many questions... especially annoying ones- as if they are so great and you must answer and defend yourself... prove yourself to them
they just play it off so well because they are so obsessed with appearance and composure ughh
and if a women were ever to call him out on it, he'd be quick to call her loca and try to make her look as stupid as possible...fast.
the longer they've been in the country, the more real they are
it really saddens me... I feel so privileged now to be in the states, although I haven't come across as many scummy Colombian men, I just would not have been happy
I need a man who respects that I'm a free spirit, independent, feisty, and smart.
I will never be just a girl on someone's arm. I would never be happy knowing that behind my back, my boyfriend was a pig and told jokes and smoked pot, but to me only talked "sweetly" and was a "gentleman."
No... I need a man that is actually honest, faithful, would never buy me a purse, would smoke pot with me if a fucking wanted... understands that I'd watch southpark and family guy over sex and they city/fucking gossip girl any day and when referencing an episode in a bar/at a party, would look at me first knowing that I'd be one of the first to laugh and NOT a Mr. "sorry hunny you wouldn't get it, now go back to gossiping about getting your nails done" motherfucker! |
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| benny lava |
[May. 6th, 2008|04:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Indian | ] |
I feel like I should be writing more... isn't that always the case when life gets crazy, though? |
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| jjnkjaf |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
so its almost my birthday again
and i keep thinking about what i want to do for it
and i guess ppl are expecting a party
and originally i guess that's what i wanted but
idk
now plans are all screwed up
i just want to be with a few ppl i'm really close to
i miss david
everyone else is like NO spend time with ME
i need more time to myself
i sort of don't even want to be here anymore for my bday
i'm glad my sister's coming over later
i have a quiz tomorrow, then two mini exam things for 2 labs i haven't read about yet,
and an exam on thursday, valentine's day that i haven't started studying for at all...
at least i didn't miss any class for that
i missed my primates class i believe twice now
but it's not like i just didn't want to go
it was because i always get stuck and my french class for awhile
and the guy frowns at you if you leave early-ish and possibly doesn't give you credit
and then i have 5 minutes to get to my next class
and i have to carry all my books cuz i have 3 classes after my french class
so with all my books and the weather it takes me 20 mins at least to get over to primates
and so i've missed it grr
so now i have to get all caught up on everything super fast
and plan for my bday
and deal with all these ppl who are crabbing around
i just want to tell ppl how proud i am of them
how much they mean to me and how much what they do means to me
then something pukous always happens...
and i hate the fact that i feel like a few certain ppl could ruin my bday/my party/get together whatever
i just want to run away and invite like 6 ppl...
kskhdfkjshd
blaaaah
headache |
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| lalalala |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|07:40 pm] |
i kind of just wanted to be alone
i should have just said that
but i found something... it helped me to understand
i just wanted to share it because it excited me in a very complicated way
sometimes i feel like if i don't understand something
i really shouldn't bother trying to share it
because then if people have questions or comments you can't really answer or reply...
but this time i thought i understood
now i'm back to being confused
a suspended state of confusion
it's familiar
like dna ... twisted... each time it looks the same...
same components... but always so different...
i never really got to eat my cake
at least my throat feels better now... it kept hurting
i keep thinking about water... lakes.. oceans... mostly seas and oceans...
clear beautiful water...
and sun...
when can i go??
i often wonder why i stay here?
"people love you... they need you"
half the time i don't even know if that's true
but anyway
what do IIII need
grrr
now i need more smiles, more sun, and i guess i nice swim?
idk
i just need to be at peace
sometimes it just takes a little while to get there
at peace... like at the beach... like it's a place... not just one place... hmm
so if i were at peace and you were at peace, could i meet you there? |
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| jhfkjsfdh |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|06:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | do you remember | ] |
daaamn it's been awhile.... i didn't even check to look at the last time i wrote...
it's hard to keep up with writing... i'm always with someone and ... idk or i'm always at a class or have sooo much on my mind that i don't even want to start anything... like writing... ashfsh i just sit there... i prefer to meditate ... that helps...
i wish sometimes i could just record what goes on in my head during those meditation sessions... but ... then again i don't
almost my bday again
i miss david
we haven't spoke in awhile
classes seem good this semester
it snowed a fk ton today
i really was hopin to go somewhere for winter break
i was even invited to go to a lot of places
but then i got sick and my mom's best ... well really good friend sandy from MA
got really sick and died and that was super sad
oh and i found out all this other crap about my parents and my family
and stuff from my uncle and hdfshfis
it was just a big mess
last semester in general was a big mess
met some cool ppl on my floor
met some jerky people on my floor
felt like i had no time to myself... sort of like i do now
idk
i ended up making a schedule and posting it on my door
so that ppl could pencil themselves in
idk that week was important to me so i feel like i have to mention it
but at the same time i dont really like mentioning it cuz i don't want it to sound snobby... because it wasn't
i was sooo stressed out
if you were there you would have understood
my apartment ... heh... well has its ups and downs
awesome ok good bad great ok ok ok awesome BAD AWFUL TERRIBLE ok good bad etc.....
the heat broke so many times, too
but before i was referring more to the situation... the relationship between all of the people
AHHH now i have to run away
someone is being super annoying
plus we are all tired and kinda cranky
plus i wanted to take a nap before studying later for italian hw
it's just that today i remembered to TmA and so i can actually focus...
people don't realize how hard that can be for me... grr
i hope to have more of the meetings i like soon
...
to be cont'd.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|05:35 am] |
keep me safe
keep me warm
i dont feel well
i need to rest... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:37 pm] |
still no mail in my mailbox
i cant even look at it anymore
it makes me sick
what
will i have to wait a month for it to be filled up again
so i dont have to see that bs??
dying inside |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:35 pm] |
i hate when people pretend to give you undivided attention
your spoken and written feelings should never just be another
part of some cluster of activities of some multitasking person |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
missed school
il est interdit de miss school !!!
i cant believe this
im so hurt
i could barely even get out of bed
my stomach feels awful
and i get up to try to feel better
get these awful hate e-mails
fall back on my bed
and cry
...
when will i just be loved
going back to lay down
maybe i'll watch shrek AGAIn to feel distracted
now all of my friends r gonna be like wtf and talk about how i missed school and how you're not suppose to
shooot we have a meeting today too
ughh
my life is so busy
why doesn't anyone get that!?!
i watched another movie last night
about two people falling in love
then there was this big alternative wedding
and the parents started to cry
and then i did
cuz i was happy
now i wonder if thats all sh*t
it was far from it at the time
can someone please explain what happened?
im so hungry
i barely have anything to eat in my room
i feel disgusting
like i dont want to see anyone for the rest of the day
i never feel that way
it feels like someone with a stick is trying to poke their way out of my stomach through my bellybutton
i want my phone to work
i want to be able to listen to my voicemail dans ma chambre
im in a romantic city with no one to be romantic with...
and i want to say "just get me"
"just understand me"
but i wonder if its a lost cause
i get hung up on
yelled at
then i say something i dont mean
just stop
i've asked too many times
just stop
how can i tell a hurtful story to someone i feel isnt supportive?
obviously everyone else ... here... elsewhere...
is wrapped up in some bs
i just wanted to tell my best friend
nora...
what best friend?
i feel im the only one who does give a f
especially around here
about ppl
and then im told i dont
great
they know me reeeal well
i want to be the girl that got flowers
not the one who misses class
how can someone hang up 36 times when they know the other person has class?
and use up a calling card on bs?
i wish i got a letter every day here that i could write back to
i wish i had someone who would ask me my address in advance before i even left so there would be something there when i got there
my mom use to do that
my moms not doing well now
she's become worse since i've left
i really do just want everyone to be happy
i get stretched and pulled in all diff directions
to the point where
when i lay down at night
im some jumbled mess who just needs love
attention
affection
get that
Godddd
please
get that
i feel im always crying
im too smart to be crying
i need to find the love
where is the love
i feel nothing
i feel empty
i want someone to walk in and rescue me
hug me
comfort me
everyone is gone...
at class...
with others...
napping...
gone
it's me against the world
what happened to my team?
i cant do this anymore
i need a massage
i need a loving voice on the line
i just get yelled at for calling a number and hanging up right away
when my button is mostly broken
and i didnt think it would work at all
forget that
not important
why would that ever be a focus?
why would any of those things?
whats the point of saying you wont write negative mail/letters
if in the next few minutes after you send like 3 of them??
where is it
where's the comfort
comfort me
love me
understand me
where's the love letter to cheer me up?
it doesn't exist
where's the love?
i feel sooo sick
my stomach hurts more now
im shaking
where are you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:08 am] |
i really frickin miss my bearsies
im so proud of him
and so excited for him ...getting starrrted on business stuffsies
meeeeow hisss
i love him
hurrrry hurrry buy a ticket
come visit me my darrrling bearrrrs
:(
im sad without you at night |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
damn my legs r sore
so yesterday i walked soo much
to school
to the mall... to buy laundry stuff with matt
haha
twas fun but ahh
we walked through all 3 long buildings
then around the dept store
then back out trough metro
then back to MP
then quick put diff shoes on
ran... RAN halfway to movie theater
walked rest of way
walked back to MP
walked from bus stop to concert
walked around concert
walked all around vieux quebec
fsdjhfks
im proud of me and lexie and im glad we got away from the group
it was more fun then
and plus they left and came back for no reason
kinda weird
aw sad i didnt get to say goodbye to karen
anyway
ahh oh and somebody else cried last night...
i cried yesterday at school...
and ukw was really confused still...
hcfdshf
went to gc
THAT was interesting
it was on this little hidden road
and they had these secret rooms that went up for 6 levels...
matt said he'd do some research on that and then tell me more about it
lalalaaa
now matt and sarah r in vieux queb
idk when they are comin back
lizzie already called me...
prob going to the mall
since i havent really been in any of the shops
cuz its frickin huge
but damn idk if i wanna walk right away....
i had some weird dreams last night
i cant really remember them tho
idk why im so concerned
i keep getting this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach
and then i get scared
idk...
well anyway i should go
lots of stuff to possibly do today
still have to get dressed...
:P
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|12:35 pm] |
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i hate when i try to go back to sleep and i frickin have to pee |
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| gxdjhc |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|03:37 am] |
so pretty much everyone has gotten emotionelle about something ici.
idk... its actually pretty interesting
tonight was interesting
went to kWest concert then had ice cream and stuff
then went to the gay club
wow lol
then matt was upset
then had pizza
then walked up a big hill and then for like 4 blocks
got into a cab
and here i am
soo frickin tired
but... thats a good thing cuz i need to sleep...
hey where's david?
he said he'd call...
grrr
i wanted to talk to him before i went to sleep
rgisi
ok
ahh ok falling asleep at comp
goodnight!!! |
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| suuuuuuuuuizi |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|11:45 pm] |
so i totally forgot my password just now
cuz i kept trying to put our secret password in and then i was like oh damn oops
anyway
i miss bears a f***ton
and now im in like quebec rrarrsing around
so frickin busy
being a little rrrockstarr
today i was missing my bears so much at dinner that i almost cried
and i had to leave the table
dinner was delicious and i was really wishing that david could be there
*sigh*
c'est toujours que je veux qu'il soit avec moi...
meow
i think i talk about david too much to the ppl here |
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| sad |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|10:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
im sad about not being with my bears for the 4th
i was reeeeeally looking forward to that
:(
idk what to do now
i had the perfect evening planned out
*sigh*
let me think let me think
i just hope its special
i just want to have so many amazing special moments before i leave
cuz then we'll both be gone for awhile... |
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colombianangel's journal